stranded by fear
I usually come here with encouragement, or inspiration. So it’s a little odd to be coming here now, without a revelation or beautiful story to tell. But I knew I needed to write, for me. And God nudged me to do that here… so perhaps it will somehow help someone else, or maybe within the entry I will have my own “overcoming” moment.
This week, and possibly for a while now, I’m can feel I’m being stagnant. My anxiety is like a dull ache. I know it’s there, but I’m kind of just pushing through it. Actually, I’m not really recognizing it, but instead trying to fill my mind and time with anything I can. I’ve been watching a lot of TV, scrolling Facebook for hours, online shopping. Picking up extra hours. None of these things are in my usual day-to-day, and suddenly, it’s all I want to do. That, and sleep.
It used to be thought that anxiety and depression cannot co-exist. Most counselors and psychologists now disagree with that theory, and I’m grateful for that. The simple way my counselor explained it was something like this: Your anxiety, the illogical “fight or flight” mentality, the constant hyper-awareness… often leaves you in states of exhaustion and hopelessness. That’s been my cycle this week. Shaky hands, nausea, racing thoughts. And sleeping, lack of appetite, and feeling “down,” questioning my purpose and promptly running away before answers can come.
So…. why? and what? am I so scared of?
I’m scared I’m not enough. Not good enough. Not disciplined enough. Not talented enough.
I’m scared my art isn’t good, isn’t well received or well liked.
I’m scared this was all a huge mistake. That I can’t really run a business. That I’m too fearful to make things happen, to put myself out there again and again.
I’m scared that if I go back into the 9-5 world, I will get trapped there with a comfortable salary and routine, painfully unhappy but too scared to work on my art & growing my own business.
Wow. I honestly didn’t even know what I was scared of until I wrote that out. Sheesh. It feels good though, and now I’m even smiling. Reading them over, I can see them for what they are - lies. They are LIES y’all! I know that because God is Truth. And He would never speak those things of me. Or anyone. He loves us. He loves me! He says I’m enough. He says His plans are to prosper me. He says He will protect me & guide me. He is always good, always kind, always loving. And He cannot lie, because He IS Love & Truth! I feel like dancing!! I’m positive if you’re reading this, you’re wondering if I’m absolutely nuts.
Maybe a little. But this- this is reality. This is the emotional roller-coaster, documented. This is what happens when we run and hide and distract. And this… is what happens when you write out those fears. Speak them. Call them out for what they are! Then speak Truth over yourself instead.
No, literally - write down your fears. Here if you want! Then take a breath, and write the Truth. If you’re not feeling strong enough just yet, I’ll write Truth for you. It’s going to be ok, love. I promise.
(Cover Photo of girl by the water by Ryan Moreno; below art from Taira Adair Art)